Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
