my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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