Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
