Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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