The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
