And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Houston, we have a blender
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
