so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
