he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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