Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
