If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
