I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
