then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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