So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
