I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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