so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
