i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
