you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
