My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
