if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
