I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
