You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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