it's too hot outside to masturbate.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
