turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
