Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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