Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
