she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
