Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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