my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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