just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
