What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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