it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
