Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
