My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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