I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
