dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
