Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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