I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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