I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
