Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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