I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
