Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She bit a glass in half.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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