When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
