when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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