he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
