I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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