You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
