I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
