so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
