She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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