Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
