I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
