wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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