dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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